January 22, 2011

Life as it is

each time i am upset or moody i am inspired to write

but as soon as the Xanax kicks in

i lose all motivation and everything is point blank again


but one thing remains for sure, and that is i’m upset again

at a time when everyone is busy scooting around town making last purchases

before they usher in the lunar new year


for me, this festive season brings me a mixed bag of emotions

happy because it marks a new phase in life, new resolutions etc

sad because it evokes unpleasant memories (not going into details)


the year of the rabbit is no exception

it has been that way since 2006 and i do not foresee a change in circumstances

and i often blame myself for these self-inflicted pain


Thank god for xanax!!!


and God if you really do exist

please make the year a smooth sailing one, albeit challenges and obstacles

because dying is not a solution


some of you may think or say that my life is far better than those in the under-developed countries

where there are famines and no food and clean water

my take is, never make comparisons


even if one has to compare

it would be on the quality of life now and then

mine has for sure deteriorated from the heydays of being filthy rich

when i was in my late twenties


a fortune teller told me that i’d strike the jackpot when i hit the forties

but not without some major challenges in my mid 30’s

36 to be more accurate


there is a high chance that i would be bed-ridden and eventually die

what scares me most was that i used to tell my childhood friends that

i wouldn’t live beyond 36 …………..


the past two years have been tumultuous, pathetic and terribly lonely

while most of my peers are happily married with children and some still high flyers

mine was lived in solitude with no shoulder to cry on


pathetic because it’s a Saturday tonight and it is half past ten as i type

and i am home, yes i am home without an agenda

or a number i could dial to turn things around, nurture my soul whatevs


perhaps i should go to sleep like i always do

and i’d tell myself that tomorrow will be a better day

such is life


goodnite earthlings